Instagram changes its rules: how to stay close to your teenager

Instagram has introduced new measures to protect teenagers, including private accounts, content filters and screen-time reminders. These are positive steps, but no settings can answer a question many families ask at home: what role is the mobile phone playing in our children’s lives?

“They’re on their phone all day”, “They don’t want to do anything with us any more”, “They shut themselves away in their room”. These are very common concerns.

During adolescence, it is natural for friends to become more important and for teenagers to seek privacy and a space of their own. They are developing their identity and independence, and need some distance from their family to do so. But what happens when the phone starts to take the place of conversations, family activities or hobbies? The challenge is to respect their independence without losing touch. How can we do that?

1. Find new ways to spend time together

Perhaps your child no longer wants to play the same board games or come along to every family outing. That doesn’t mean they have lost interest in you: at their age, they need to take part in things they enjoy now, not the things they enjoyed when they were ten.

We can ask: “We haven’t done anything together for a while. What would you like to do this weekend?” Going for a walk, playing sport, going to the cinema, or setting aside Fridays to make pizzas together and watch a film can offer new ways to spend time and enjoy being a family. And not every shared moment has to end in a conversation about school or grades: sometimes, simply enjoying an activity together is what allows conversations to happen naturally.

We can also help them discover interests beyond screens. When they can’t find other activities that motivate them, the phone can end up taking up much of their free time. As parents, we can encourage their curiosity and suggest things that match their interests: sport, music, theatre, photography, robotics or cooking.

If the answer is “I can’t be bothered”, before insisting, it’s worth asking: “Are you not interested, or is something putting you off?” There’s a difference between not liking it, feeling embarrassed about turning up without knowing anyone, and starting something they don’t yet know how to do. Depending on what they say, we can make the first step easier: a trial class, going with a friend, or going with them if they’d like us to.

2. Take an interest in what they do on social media

We know they spend time on Instagram, but do we know what interests them, what they find funny or which accounts they follow? Instead of always asking how long they’ve been online, we can show some curiosity: “What are you watching that’s making you laugh so much? Will you show me?”

Instagram’s changes can also be a way to start a conversation, without it sounding like an exam: “I’ve read that Instagram has changed a few things about teenagers’ accounts. Have you noticed anything?” Their answer can open the door to talking about how they use the app, what they like and what makes them uncomfortable, without turning it into a list of warnings. Showing interest without judging makes it easier for them to tell us what they enjoy and what worries them.

3. Agree on boundaries and look at our own example

“Five more minutes” is something many parents hear when they ask their children to put their phones away. And perhaps we’ve also said “Just a moment, I’m finishing this message” while someone was waiting for our attention.

We can start with a simple agreement that involves the whole family, such as putting phones aside during dinner. There’s a difference between saying “We should use our phones less” and explaining: “We want to have dinner without interruptions and spend some time listening to each other.” We can also agree on a time to leave devices outside the bedroom and protect their sleep.

It’s best to talk about it at a calm moment, not after twenty minutes of arguing. We can ask: “What do you find difficult about this agreement? What might help you stick to it?” And if it isn’t followed, before getting into another argument, we can look at what happened: was the agreement clear enough? Are the adults following it too? Would it help to silence notifications or leave the phone somewhere else? The aim is to find solutions together and keep boundaries in place without having to renegotiate them every day.

When should we seek help?

If we notice that our child is becoming isolated from people they used to enjoy spending time with, is often sad or irritable, sleeps badly, loses interest in activities or feels deeply distressed about their appearance, it’s worth reaching out and listening to how they are feeling.

If these changes persist or affect their daily life, we can speak to a paediatrician or a psychology professional. We don’t need to see all these signs or wait until the problem becomes serious. Nor should we assume that the phone is the cause.

Staying present as they grow

Instagram’s protections can help reduce certain risks, but they do not replace support from the family or remove the platforms’ responsibility to provide safe environments.

Our children need privacy, independence and time with their friends. But they also need to know that we are still there to listen, share experiences and support them when they need us.

Perhaps the challenge isn’t just to get them to spend less time on their phones, but to keep finding moments when they want to spend time with us.